Here it is, almost 2am and I can't sleep. Could it be because Billy had an arteriogram this morning and had to be at the hospital at 5am? Maybe it's because Emmett didn't sleep well last night and was a real handful during the day today? I know a lot of it it has to do with me finding information about my biological family. In just 22 days, I'll be flying to Oklahoma to meet my big sister, Julie! Wow. It still floors me that I can say that I have a big sister. Unfortunately, both of my biological parents have very recently passed away. Mind you, I've been searching on and off since 1991!! It's been quite the roller coaster ride. Right now, I'm anxious... just wishing that I lived closer to Julie so I didn't have to wait until the end of May to meet her.
I've always known that I was adopted. My parents never hid that fact from me or made me feel like I was any different as a result. They love me and have given me a wonderful life! With that being said, it's weird for me to think about what my life might have been like had I not been adopted. What would it have been like to have grown up with an older sister? I have three children of my own now and truly don't understand the constant bickering. My husband, who has one sister, assures me this is normal.
There are times, like tonight (morning?), that I feel a bit empty inside. I never got the chance to meet my biological parents. I don't know if I would have wanted a relationship with them. I don't know if they would have wanted a relationship with me. But it just doesn't seem fair that I didn't have that choice to make for myself. Sure, life isn't fair; I'm an adult, I know that. It just would have been nice to say 'thank you' to each of them for giving me life. I know that they did what they thought was best for me and for them.
I wish my sister was here. We're going to sing a song together at her church while I'm visiting. I'm really looking forward to that! It seems that we've really started to create a bond. I feel certain that I won't want to leave when it's time for me to come home after my visit and that we'll both feel that magical bond that sisters have once we've met in person. She's such a wonderful human being; just what I always hoped my big sister would be like! She's already shared so many of her memories with me. Memories of our Mother, my Father, her life growing up... things she didn't have to tell me. I feel sad that she's lost her Mom and she feels sad that I never got to meet her.
My emotions are all over the place tonight. I'm not sure exactly how I should feel all the time. I'm so very excited that I found Julie... that was my MAIN GOAL in searching in the first place. But then I have to take in account my parent's feelings. I want to tell them about Julie; about her family, about the things she did with my biological Mom... but I know that makes them uncomfortable.... so I don't talk about it. I'll share with them if they ask; it's just a bit of a challenge to not go on and on about my sister and my birth family.
On a happier note... my quartet, Chatterbox!, came in 2nd at regional competition and my chorus, the Pride of Kentucky Chorus came in 1st! I really love to sing and certainly wish I'd found Sweet Adelines sooner than I did.
I guess I should attempt to get some sleep. I love you Julie.
